Joke of the Day
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Tony
Staff member
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Paddy McCoy, a weather-beaten Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Employment & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would be sending out an Inspector to interview them all and to check Paddy's wages books.
On the appointed day, the Department Inspector turned up. "Tell me about all your employees," he demanded.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage for him and his family.
"Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
"There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with me missus."
"That's disgraceful!" exclaimed the Inspector, "I want to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," replied Paddy.
On the appointed day, the Department Inspector turned up. "Tell me about all your employees," he demanded.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage for him and his family.
"Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
"There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with me missus."
"That's disgraceful!" exclaimed the Inspector, "I want to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," replied Paddy.
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.
Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "F$#@ me!" says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well!"
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.
Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "F$#@ me!" says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well!"
Before posting this, I should say that half my family is Irish, so I do not consider Irish jokes to be racist. If fact, if you new the Irish side of my family, you'd swear blind that these jokes were about them sometimes!!
Anyways...
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be Bothered to walk all the Way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last Bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jaysus, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.
Anyways...
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be Bothered to walk all the Way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last Bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jaysus, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.